he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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