ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
