Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
