He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
