Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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