He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
