Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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