Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
