Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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