i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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