Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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