you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
