Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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