Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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