That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
