Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
