Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
