I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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