Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
