her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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