Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
