I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
