I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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