Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
