Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
