Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
