She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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