One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think my moral compass just broke
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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