I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
