Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
