You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
