I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
