Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
