I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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