Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
