What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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