Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
