We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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