I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
