I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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