The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
