I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
