Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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