At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
