Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
