Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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