And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
