woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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