i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
