"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
